My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
