You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
