I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
