ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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