You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
