Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
