I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
