just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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