I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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