ADVERTISEMENT

• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

  Fav 8 2872 1040

  share tweet
  

• (703): View more from Virginia

  maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

  Fav 8 3381 899

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (619): View more from California

  i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs

  Fav 83 911 10135

  share tweet
  

• (757): View more from Virginia

  high people should be assigned attendants

  Fav 14 4363 963

  share tweet
  

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS

  Fav 17 1491 4908

  share tweet
  

• (507): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure

  Fav 5 2675 1229

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (601): View more from Mississippi

  Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

  Fav 20 3716 898

  share tweet
  

• (360): View more from Washington

  I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  Bringing families together since 1987

  Fav 2 828 538

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently

  Fav 7 784 671

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.

  Fav 0 941 467

  share tweet
  

• (732): View more from New Jersey

  Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.

  Fav 6 746 596

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (586): View more from Michigan

  Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.

  Fav 3 619 336

  share tweet
  

• (310): View more from California

  Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.

  Fav 4 628 443

  share tweet
  

• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.

  Fav 0 10 61

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (847): View more from Illinois

  Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake

  Fav 0 8 23

  share tweet
  

Randomize