my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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