life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
