I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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