sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize