umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
