I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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