I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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