I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
