How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
