come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize