just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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