please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
