i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
