I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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