i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
