I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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