For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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