i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
