She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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