I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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