I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
