I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
