so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
