i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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