one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
