Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
