woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
