I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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