I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
