are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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