This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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