I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
