Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
