Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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