I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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