Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
