maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
