I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
