Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
