She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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