I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I smell stomach acid.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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