I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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