He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
