even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I touched a dick in church today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
