I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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