I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
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