your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this just has baby written all over it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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