I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
