Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
