Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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