I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
